Fake Heart Attacks, Fabio hair, my prank crash dummy chair breaks, subsidized acupuncture, appreciating the little things in life, kettle corn, Biden’s dog tripping story, gateway tyranny, diversity in the NASDAQ, marrying a sex doll, Ron Jeremy stories, a ten Asian orgy, Adolph Hitler is back, and Lucky Starr is in studio; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
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Road Rage: Tampa is this weekend!
If you bought a ticket, I’ll send out the venue the day before. It’s a cash bar, so make sure you hit an ATM first. You’ve got five days to do so, so there’s really no excuse for getting caught with your credit card in one hand and your dick in the other. Keep an eye on Twitter for the various meetups and what not taking place over the weekend. It’s going to be a three-ring circus–the most bang for your buck of any Road Rage in history–and that’s a good thing, because it will probably be the last show in the free world before the Dark Winter. Be there! And buy tickets at tampa.dick.show, but first…
The love you take is equal to the love you claw out of someone’s cold dead hands. And your last moments will be spent listening to an endless loop of Rob Dyrdek’s Ridiculousness clipping every five seconds. You will be surrounded by slack and dumb faces, meth addicts, ghosts that have been exorcized, fat women. And no one could have seen it coming! But don’t worry, it gets worse.
The Dark Winter is fast approaching, and it’s going to last for 2-3 years, or maybe the rest of your life. Whichever is funnier. You don’t understand. You’ve had it easy this whole time!
The only thing that’s important is the preservation of life itself. And we must institute strict prohibitions on vice and lascivious behavior to save the goodness in men and preserve the future of women and their children. No one wants to eat a sandwich that has been fucked! The dampening of panic through ubiquitous and inescapable governmental bureaucracies and leviathans of monetary policy. It’s not important that you understand them. We certainly don’t! All that’s important as that you believe in them. Rampant unenforceable criminalization, licensing, fees, and taxes, the blunting and gaslighting of speech. You are illegal. Social contracts are now subject to government approval and there is no facet of like that cannot be reached by the Malarkeyarchy!
It’s a governmental hybrid of force, corporations, and advertising. The Malarkeyarchy. A meme-powered, unstoppable inundation of authority that has been focus tested to your neighbors. They are trained on communism and on kindness. Whatever is funnier. And they will beat you to death for not wearing your mask. They will take your children to keep them safe. They will wring the blood from your stones.
And you’ll be surrounded by these deputies of the Malarkeyarchy until the end. They will look confused in the end though. And that will be the funniest part. They will look so fucking confused that this is happening. No one could have seen it coming!
“Carved in Stone” by Heavy Headache
Muscular thumbnail by protski.