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Anaheim deplatforms hate, low flow shower heads are a private business, my house is almost burned down, the police beat some people, a woman asks for advice, a man stalks a co-worker, Chris the Kiwi violates his probation, Israel implements Happy Badges, France mandates vaccines, rebranding shark “interactions”, the LEGO gun, and the Fed raises the retirement age; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
Writer, Creator of the Bestest Show in the Universes, co-host of Here's What I Don't Get
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The Biggest Problem in the Universe Episode 5 is up at biggestproblem.show! Join Vito and I as we argue about The N-Word Defense, YouTube Role Models, Space Tourists, and COVID Deniers. Will Vito bring in the first negative problem? Only you can decide by voting at biggestproblem.show! But first…
Google, Amazon, American Airlines, Chase bank, the FBI, the City of Anaheim; these are private businesses and they can do whatever they want. They can shut your ass up, shut your ass down, they can keep your ass in place, they can remove your ass from the economy, they can throw your ass in jail, they can hate your ass. You see, it’s because your ass is a public utility and needs to be regulated as such.
If you want to have a hose in your house that sprays water on your ass at a rate of 2.6 gallons per minute, well then I’m afraid that’s illegal and ass-washers worldwide will not even make such a product. Your ass can 3D print one, but that’s also illegal–free speech being a mouth issue, which is technically the same hole as your ass. Good luck with that!
If you want to build a box on your property to keep your ass in, then I’m afraid you’ll need to file for a permit with local ass-eaucrats and pay an ass-housing fee. The city is a private company that can charge whatever it wants. If you want to take your ass across town in a gasoline ass-moving machine, then you’ll have to apply for an ass-moving license and pay for ass insurance. Lucky for you, ass companies all charge about the same amount. The insurance industry is a private monopoly and can do whatever they want.
If your ass wants to get married, you’ll definitely need a license for that, similarly if you no longer want to be married, your ass will need to be fucked by the court system, which is a private business that can fuck your ass as hard as it wants.
If your ass wants to not wear clothes outside. That’s illegal. That one should be a lot more shocking than it is.
Thumbnail of a private business that can do whatever it wants by Cliff Campbell.