Episode 298 – Dick on Three Nukes

Download the MP3 | Watch the Video | Patreon
What you’re fighting for, the Pretend Avengers, the Nuclear Luigi Board of America’s death cult, the fat ghost of Kyiv, Lizzo’s Big Grrrl’s, a lady with a 600-pound butt lift, getting over a salacious sexual past, hitting on imprisoned women, and the countdown to 299; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

A new bonus episode is out! And it just might be the last podcast you ever listen to before nuclear annihilation. Join Sean and I as we discuss, liquor sandwiches, fake strip clubs for men, fat lanes and fat stairs, and the Front Line Pass to get all these internet warriors to the front lines of war as quickly as possible. All that and more on this month’s bonus episode of The Dick Show! Available at Patreon.com/TheDickShow

But first…

Most things are a proxy war. Afghanistan, Ukraine, alimony; we can’t outright kill each other, so we’ll make it as miserable as possible until the other side gives up living. And then to the winner goes the story.

“They just suddenly up and did it out of nowhere! Can you believe it?”

No. I really can’t and I don’t understand how anyone could. Hundreds and thousands of micro and macro transgressions that lead to any singular decision. Holding a glass the wrong way–as if to imply that someone is fat, not thanking the right person for buying The Big Salad. Holodomor. It’s time for Festivus, and the airing of the grievances. No time to think. It’s time for war!

Jesus Christ, Iron Man, an old lady with an AK-47, a newlywed pair of horses who can count to ten, an Instagram model with pictures from a couple years ago before the pandemic, before she got fat, and a psychiatrist walk into a Ukrainian bar that’s getting shelled by a Soviet-era tank and the bartender says, “Thank God. The American liberators. What’ll it be?” And the American liberators look at the bartender and say, “Sorry, we were just born and we’re not old enough to drink yet. Ask us in another twenty years. We’ll still be here.”

There probably won’t be any nukes. Which is a shame because this time, for the very first time, maybe it would have resulted in someone’s “bad”. Maybe after the billions dead, buried in the rain and soot of an irradiated wasteland. Maybe after we block out the sun. Maybe after the Marvel release timeline is completely destroyed and when The Office is no longer on television and women have to go back to eating under 6,000 calories a day. Maybe when no one even gets your references anymore because they grew up without the Internet, the Tower of Babble. Maybe someone, somewhere who was pushing for this the whole time–which is everyone–would go, “That whole nuclear war thing? That was my bad. Sorry about that.”

But they probably wouldn’t. Always a stalemate with these things.

How I learned to stop worrying and love the thumbnail by Berries n’ Cream!