Episode 44 – Dick on Talent Shows

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Losing count of beers, family reunions, ruining talent shows, Lowtax’s weird audio, the confusion of ubiquitous content, farmers, rental car insurance and other scams, line cutters, the time Sean was a rock star, Asterios’ roommate, April Fools pranks, houses that you build yourself, more on the billboard, more on Philly, more Goss, and the episode is late because of Opening Day; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Host of Gaming Garbage, co-host of Murder the Internet, Creator of Something Awful
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This episode is brought to you by our own bonus episode, Dick on 108. Madcucks visits the studio and we rank all the issues in existence, from Trademark Disputes to Ex-girlfriend Rebukes. We only get to four this episode, but it’s a good start. Check it out for $5 on the Dick Show Patreon.

Unclutch your pearls, unbunch your undies, untwist your titties, and back your butts off the edge of your seat, the episode is here! My apologies for the lateness of this episode. I knew Dodger’s Opening Day was going to be a shit show and that some people would drink too much and some people would get lost and some people would get into a fight with an Uber driver and that all those people would be me, but what I didn’t know is that it would cost a midnight release. But it’s not all bad news, thanks to some quick thinking and quick stealing, we made money in the deal and managed to stick to bald-faced incompetence! I’ll talk about it next week when Buckley comes into the studio to talk about his edible clothing, but first…

Imagine if a re-education gulag was run by Facebook. That thing exists and it’s called a Talent Show. Satre says, “Hell is other people,” and I think talent shows are why. They are mandatory social media. They are brainwashing done in a prison of expectation with your eyes pried open A Clockwork Orange style by obligation, and where your brain is washed, action is reversed into thought, and the human desire to scream out, “What in the fuck am I watching?!” slowly submits to the hivemind’s more practical, “I guess this isn’t so bad.” In that struggle, one of those impulses will win and that winner will be you, and deep down, as you count down the number of acts remaining on the program trying to calculate how much more of this shit you have to endure and on which act it will turn from torture to a numbed blur, you know it.

The Dark Ages happened because we just decided not to use technology anymore, and talent shows are proof that they will happen again, because technology already solved the problem of having to endure the masturbatory exhibitionism that would truly define our entire species in a Star Trek like universe, not our resilience–humans? Yea, they’re the ones who like to take pictures of all their fucking food. Technology protected us from this by creating the Like, and we abandoned it.

Then, Lowtax brings in some very silly audio that you have to hear to believe. Some people probably aren’t into this kind of insane bullshit, but then some people like me have watched that weird kid review Disney World with his scale of Mickeys like fifty times, and it gets funnier every time I see it. If you’re like that, you might enjoy this secret found audio of a woman battling with and losing to total insanity.

Here are all the billboard ideas sent in so far. Thanks to everyone who sent one in. I’ll be pulling the trigger on the prank cannon this week!

And here’s the article about healthcare I mentioned in the show. It’s goofy looking, sure. And the guy underlines and bolds words that he might as well have put in all caps like something that a crazy person who is wrong would do, but he’s got some good a stats in there explaining why healthcare is fucked.

NEWS FLASH! This dope new shirt by @protski has just released in the Dick Store, along with matching posters. I’ve already got two. I’m going to tape them to both sides of my car and put a siren on the roof so people think I’m some kind of emergency Pump-Up Police:

Protski also created these beauties.



Outro by Rayce Bannon.

And the thumbnail that lost count of the artist that lost count by Brandon of Maximum! Panic.