Episode 51 – Dick on Bear Spray

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Three million downloads, A Maui look-a-like contest, a hula dancing festival, a regional liquor contest, Diet Coke Armageddon, proof of Kung Fu Tommy, more questions for Coach, how to make a noose, playing with bear spray, beating my girlfriend on Twitch, DIY home defense, throwing away kids’ toys, an erotic story from a real man, the tyranny of fake gasps, Madcucks gives a weak book update, the heart rate monitor, the needle in the cable stack, what to do with THE LETTER, not the best beer combo, a soft I told you so, and a sudden power outage; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

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Have you been a victim of fake gasping? If so, I can help. One of the largest issues in existence that I brought into Bonus Episode 11 exploded in my social media pants last week and today I try to scrub out the aftermath. Here is the Tweet. Read the responses and know that you are not alone, but first…

There are only so many minutes left in your life–too many actually. That’s why I barely feel anything wasting a couple thousand of them here and there watching other people play video games, or jerking off more than twice in a day, or reading about #PizzaGate until like three in the morning and then trying to smoothly work it into a conversation the next day with all the subtlety of shitting in someone else’s pants while they’re wearing them. There are also a finite number of women you’re going to have sex with in the rest of your life, but I’ve traded so much of the former (time) to maximize the latter (touching a boob), and then the reverse once I got what I thought I wanted, and then the reverse again when I got that, and so on, I’m not convinced there’s too many of either. However, what I’m absolutely certain of–as certain as I am that that #PizzaGate joke is going to piss some people off, is that there is a far more finite number of frosty, delicious McDonald’s Diet Cokes that I have left to drink in my life on the hottest goddamn day of the year after sitting outside all day, and then having a long drive. So finite are those remaining Diet Cokes in fact, that the next time the drive thru person swaps one out with its degenerate, sugar-soaked cousin Regular Coke, I’m going to discover if reality is a simulation or not, because I will hit them so hard, the universe will crash.

In other news, after last episode, some very disturbed people: Madcucks and Sean’s brother, sent in their suggestions for what I should do with the Nuclear Goss Bomb. I’m going to list them here just to make it easier for the boys over at the Dick Show Wiki to keep track:

  • Get an English professor to grade it.
  • Get a relationship counsellor to blame it for something.
  • Get a psychologist to analyze it.
  • Get high school girls to react to it.
  • Get a handwriting expert to professionally lie about it.
  • Make a billboard out of it.
  • Make a Madlibs out of it.

“Dear John” starring Judd Hirsch ran for four seasons and each one was funnier than the last. I don’t see why this break-up letter can’t do the same.

Jim Schmatz, the creator of Dickles and the Adam Nash T-shirts that haunted Road Rage: Philly, sent in this masterpiece based on the double Risky Business evening Coach and I had after the show.

Here’s the Road Rage: Philly T-shirt I was wearing during the broadcast, created by Felipe Protski. If you want one, there are a couple left at the Dick Store!

And some Dick Pics!

And for this thumbnail by Nope.wmv, you’re welcome!