A bad mood, a plethora of positive platitudes, throat bubbles, the stupid eclipse, UTIs or UT-lies, the Confederacy, a parody song from Hazencruz, a flatulent erotic story, virtual book burning, theme park revisionism and the eternal present, Nazis and chicks looking for free dinners, Mayweather v. McGregor, me v. The Mystery Box, the time I watched an ass rape with Edward James Olmos, the penis masterpiece, Mexican vocabulary, the LA show, a voicemail threatens to destroy me, and a doctoral thesis in armchair psychology when a girl wants to look at your phone; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!
Women who try to pressure you into having kids.
Is a Rage!
Not a Rage.
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One time, I slept in a girl’s apartment who had so much positivity shit hanging on the walls, I woke up with diabetes–except that joke doesn’t even work because as a fake sweetener, saccharine (and the corresponding sentiment), can’t give you diabetes. The joke doesn’t work just like having a bunch of shitty, bohemian versions of classic McDonald’s slogans on throw pillows, mannequins, and drunkenly painted canvases tilted against the wall of your apartment doesn’t work at curing Diabetes of the Soul.
See if you can spot these McDonald’s classics in the form of Soul Insulin in the apartment of someone you care about.
“Food, Folks, and Fun”
“We Love to See You Smile!”
“I’m Lovin It!”
If your apartment looks like Tim Ferriss and Tony Robbins just had a four-hour, popper-fueled fuck fest with each other and then feltched self-actualization all over it, you might have Soul Diabetes. Consult your doctor, but first…
The eclipse was yesterday and I spent all day staring directly at the sun. Fuck the fake news. I don’t mean just during the eclipse either, I mean I stared at the sun for like twelve hours, from dawn til dusk. All the way until it disappeared over the horizon, and I’ll tell you something. It was amazing. The news was right though, it was dangerous, but not in the way they implied. My retinas are totally fine, what are my retinas, a vampire? A couple extra photons never hurt a lens. However, what was dangerous is that the longer I stared at the sun, the more woke I became.
At the 30-second mark, I asked myself, “Are “Morty waves” a thing, or is it something that all Rick’s subconsciously mass hallucinate to rationalize an emotional attachment to their grandson?”
At a full minute, I realized that cup holders are just cups for cups.
And an hour, I was questioning everything. Like why has the whole goddamn Internet gone insane and what exactly, specifically, in their current form, and consistently with everything else the first world demonstrates that it values, is so ass-blastingly upsetting about Nazis? Show your work!
Is it the part about how the Nazis took advantage of an established national gun registry to intimidate their political opponents? That’s a reason so small I can barely see it. Is it how the Nazis governed by force, punching anyone who disagreed with them? I would ask but I’m afraid of getting punched for doing it. Is it because Nazis are deranged, vicious, inhuman monsters who crawled out of the depths of hell and survive only by sowing evil and iniquity and are in no way like us? Thank God our Morty waves keep us safe from becoming like that! I’m starting to think everyone hates Nazis not because of the horrors of what they did, but because we understand exactly how they got there, and because we would have all done the exact same thing in the same situation–or done nothing at all, which is worse–and that terrifies us, so we go crazy and try to wipe it off the face of the Earth.
Churchill once famously said about actual Nazis, “We shall fight them on the free online dating websites, we shall fight on our Airbnb, we shall fight on the Twitters and on the Googles, we shall fight within our theme park branding; we shall never surrender,” I think he should have added we shall fight them in ourselves, because that’s where they are. And my prediction is that the virtue-signaling it drives will one day soon include straight-up murder. But what do I know, I’ve been staring at the sun for twelve hours and I’m dangerously woke because of it.
Of the two governments who rounded up and interned their citizens during World War II, one of them is still around. There are other differences, but that is an important one. Anyway, here’s Hazencruz with “Just Suck My Penis”.
And here are some pictures of the Dick Show Mystery Box! Along with the first clue. I think I have the first clue figured out, but I won’t find out until next week!
Uh oh! What could be in this DICK MYSTERY BOX?? It just arrived in the mail. pic.twitter.com/cgIGsqAnd1
— Dick Masterson (@dickmasterson) August 11, 2017
A fuckin’ fusion, 80-bit, metal Dick Show re-mix by Savestate Corrupted.
A thumbnail that says goodbye to love by Nope.wmv.