Episode 77 – Dick on Unimaginable Stress

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The LOLSUITs against me build on multiple fronts, I find a smoking gun for the first biggest mistake in the universe, Sean and I attempt to imagine the unimaginable, wearing jeans at the beach with no underwear, having to poop while you’re camping, Peach sends in a jass number, the file-a-lawsuit kit, using fancy words to show off, paying half attention, Mister Metokur makes a video about the lolsuit, the 867-5309 joke, losing a frisbee, full-bone hangovers, a young man’s first BTFO, stealing people, and I give an impassioned plea for Maddox to give up on entertainment and leave Los Angeles to for his own well-being. How’s that for irony? All that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Peach Saliva
Twitcher, Tweeter.
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
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The Apollo Theater

When I was a teenager, I worked for a famous pop star. It was nothing exciting. I worked in her warehouse over a summer cataloging video tapes of newsreels and TV appearances, watching them, entering the info into a database, and then filing the tapes in a giant warehouse. It was menial, but it was easy and it paid well, and during breaks, I would walk around the warehouse looking at all the kind of crazy shit a world-touring pop star is given over the decades. There were props from music videos, awards by the truckload, priceless tokens and gifts by the pound–because where the fuck else are you going to store that shit, but most interestingly to me, there was a box gathering dust in the corner that simply read “FAN MAIL”. I was curious about this because it seemed like such a small amount of fan mail for someone so famous, so I asked her manager.

“That’s not her fan mail,” he said. “That’s Pandora’s Box. Don’t open it.”

“What do you mean?” I said.

“Well, when a celebrity like Miss Pop Star gets fan mail, it has to be sorted. We pass on all the normal stuff, positive messages, stuff from kids, spoons, that sort of thing, but sometimes we’ll get something really sick and twisted. When we get one of those, we put it in the box and make a face book out of it for security to consult during her shows.”

“What do you mean, sick?” I said.

“Real sick. Real, real sick and messed up. Death threats, rape threats, wild fantasies and delusions from deranged whack-jobs that blur the line between fantasy and reality. Selena-type shit. I mean you can practically feel the dysfunction pulling you into the page like gravity. It probably has some of the most evil exhibition of human grotesquery you could ever see in that box, so whatever you do, don’t open it. Your mind probably couldn’t even survive if you opened it even though it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see something so spectacularly macabre.”

The next day, I opened Pandora’s Box, and he was right. Inside were letters full of violence and obscenity, suggestions of harm, promises of it, bizarre obsessions that went from worship and deification to vulgar abuse and hatred, and then back again a sentence later. Some were illustrated. Some were written in I don’t know what. Some contained trinkets of dedication and Polaroids, selfies of the 90s. They came from all types of people, but they all had one thing in common.

They were her fans.

I don’t think any fans of this show are “internet cyber mob harassing” Maddox, despite what King Cuck alleges in his poorly-written, career-ending lolsuit. Most of the examples within it are simple teasing and mockery, which is no big deal. However, I’ve known Maddox for ten years, and in that time I have seen him build up his own Pandora’s Box. I have seen the emails. If he ever is a target of harassment, I bet every single instance will be committed by someone who is a proud owner of “The Alphabet of Manliness”.

Me as the $20 Million Dollar Man by Andy Lee. Click to buy the poster!

And here’s Coach’s asshole version. You cannot buy this one.

For a thorough breakdown of the entire 50+ page, 230 item lolsuit against me, Asterios, Madcucks, Patreon.com, horses, short shorts, asteroids, people hooking up on prom night, and Frederic Bastiat, watch Nick Rekieta’s four-part video series. I listen to it in the background over and over while I’m doing shit.

Mister Metokur cuts to the heart of Maddox’s lawsuit in record time.

Izzy Nobre weighs in in response to spineless e-celebrity Mundane Matt’s video who instantly sided with Maddox because they’re both “bros”. Mundane Matt is part of the e-celeb bro culture that perpetuates actual abuse because they’re too afraid to disrupt their economy of shilling.

Peach sends in this jassy number, “80s Girl Left With Your Friend”.

Savestate Corrupted is so inspired he uses a grandpa’s guitar.

Two $20 million dollar diss tracks by emceedumbfakealiasname.

And Sriracha sends in an ad for “My First Legal Summons”!

Dick pics!

80s Guy Thumbnail by Clay Burton.