Episode 99 – Dick on Happy Accidents

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Happy little protests, a short people revolt, Bob Ross can’t paint a cabin to save his life, Ben from The Drunken Peasants calls in, my own banned words list, experience creep, my only weakness, a premature movement for robot rights, problems with the conveniences of an automatic car, being worth less than nothing, Bill Guy the Science Dude answers your questions, drinking urine, “Shit Talker” gets an upgrade, apologizing to gun guys, sending schmucks to Antarctica, getting bored while jerking off, Pavlov’s nut, an annual YouTube Bloodsport tournament, free black coffee at Starbucks, and the Uncucked Episodes of “The Biggest Problem in the Universe”; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Writer, Creator of the Bestest Show in the Universes, co-host of Here's What I Don't Get
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Ben Pai
Host of Drunken Peasants and The Altered Perspective.
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Short men have it harder than women. Even as hard as women imagine they have it, short men have it harder. In fact, I bet short men have it harder and suffer more practical discrimination than any other minority group. A wage gap? I would believe it–after controlling for other factors like job role and how much time at work was spent on Pinterest and Instagram. Representation in the media? Probably stereotypical and negative and done without a single objection. Think about it, if a white man had played Black Panther or Wonder Woman, the media would have flipped their progressive shit, and yet Wolverine, the 5’3″ Übermensch-let was taken from the shorties and given to towering super-stud, six-foot two-inch Hugh Jackman. And nobody said shit. Someday the shorts are going to rise up and smite us for this oppression and for the jokes. They’ll go from house to house and lop everyone off at the shins, “How’s the weather down there now, bitch?” they’ll say, and they won’t be wrong. The article that I brought in today made me think of this. I think I’ll get some stats for it next week, but first…

Would you sleep in this cabin?

How about this one? Would you sleep in this piece of shit with its no doors or windows that’s only big enough for one room inside–maybe not even long enough for a properly sized bed if we use the surrounding trees for scale, and there’s no main cabin anywhere around so it’s not like it’s a wood shed or anything?

How about this beauty? Have you ever slept in a tent on uneven ground and halfway through the night it feels like either your head or your feet are going to explode from the gravity pump of blood feeding into either one? Here’s that feeling, but in a cabin.

Maybe there was a landslide or an earthquake or something that caused this cabin to be built in such a structurally unsound way, in a way that you’ve never seen a cabin built in your life, but I don’t know because I didn’t paint it. Bob Ross did, and he fucks up every cabin he paints in a similar way.

Bob Ross is a reminder to most to take it easy, that things don’t always work out the way we want them too and that sometimes planning can be counter-productive to the purpose of life, which is to experience the world and in doing so enjoy it, to work on yourself instead of the finished product because it never is really finished, and neither are you–you can always add more happy little shit everywhere. Surrender to the chaos and figure it out as you go. It’s a powerful and comforting message if life and purpose and meaning and their immutable synchronicity has been shoved down your throat every day of your fucking life.

However, Bob Ross also can’t paint a cabin for shit.

You can be legendarily known the world over as a master painter, you can have your face on painting shit and your name on painting classes and your ass on a painting show, and yet, you can suck as bad as a five-year-old or a stroke victim at painting cabins. Not that everyone doesn’t have limits, but you won’t even know it. People will explain it, “He probably meant to paint the cabin like that.” No one has ever meant to paint a cabin like this.

“That’s just his style,” they’ll say.

Maybe there’s another lesson there. Next week is the big 100th episode! Asterios and Peach will be in studio. I’m thinking of turning it into a roast. Thank you all!

“The Hero, Burch” by Savestate Corrupted.

A theme for Digibro by Grant Mooney.

Closing “Stoner” remix by CRUSTIS.

Dick Pics!

Thumbnail of an unhappy accident by Andy Lee AKA CallOfTheDeep!