Episode 104 – Dick on Damages

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Jerusalem: Disneyland for the somber, Israel likes their flag as much as the US does, the time Mohammed jumped into space, Ramadan, America, and the sweet, sweet sound of black women, my grandma is Lil Wayne, The Curse of Sweaty Suits, mildew towels, how to make your girlfriend lose weight, disasters in “making it official”, Dustin returns, Antoids mines episodes of “The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked”, Road Rage: Dallas, gun fever in the DSM, the lolsuit, countersuits, and Asterios is no longer employed by Weber Shandwick; all that and more on this week’s episode of The Dick Show!

Kian Magaña
Hero. [email protected]
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
Asterios Kokkinos
Author of Toys "4" Cheap, Billboard charting artist. Host of the Science Friction podcast.
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
Top Autist. Tirelessly unwinds and supercuts Maddox's edits of "The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked".
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
Creator of The Dick Show on Facebook, excellent mic stand.
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
See All Co-Hosts

Tickets for Road Rage: Dallas are on sale now!

June 30th
The Door

Also, celebrate the legend of the lolsuit and the conquest of King Cuck by Dick the Destroyer with this commemorative Maddox Lost T-shirt (or poster), on sale now at The Dick Store until Friday and then it’s gone forever! Don’t risk having to shell out $500 on eBay when this commemorative t-shirt becomes the Furby of this Christmas season. People will cuck for it. A fantastic work of art by Andy Lee AKA Call of the Deep, but first…

The Holy Land is a silly, but humorless place, and I think that’s my problem with it. It’s absurd, and fascist, but it’s also so ordinary and recognizable that it would make even the most ardent atheist question the foundation of their beliefs. No one wants to wage a war against a man behind a curtain, or groups of teenage boys pretending to quake like they’re about to announce the gender of their baby, they want to fight the Great and Powerful Oz. There’s no great and powerful anything in this place.

Jerusalem is the world’s oldest city, and maybe because of that, it feels like a Billy Joel recap of humanity, but only the least sensational parts, the ones you don’t recognize and mumble through when you’re singing it. Kitschy and with a childish-themed segregation like Disneyland, an exhibition of pure garbage, mass-produced and aggressively shilled by hundreds of thousand-year-old clones, the post-orgasmic regret of a Lakers’ Championship riot. It feels small, and then a man with a machine gun and dead eyes will tell you to stop looking at his gold encrusted building. I didn’t ask why they covered it in gold if they didn’t want anyone looking at it. As an American, I know that’s victim blaming and it could cost you your job.

There is something absolutely incompatible between culture in the Middle East and the civilizations of the first (old and busted) and zeroth (new hotness) worlds we enjoy at home, and while not enough attention has been paid to fighting it, plenty has been paid in the service of spreading it. It’s mockery, or the absence of it. The widespread, compulsive, adolescent, bordering-on-Tourette’s, making people cry–the Darwinisticly-fueled mockery of any and all forms of thought just for the sake of it–hatred for the sake of it, or else the thoughts control us. It’s the making of fun where none exists from the raw human materials available, like a combine that grinds pride and pretense and history and tradition and plans into joy, consuming everything that isn’t and changing it forever, bullying in the name of anything but the Lord, and drawings of cocks in the dust of time.

It wasn’t the threat of unconscionable human rights violations or the religious authoritarianism that made me most uncomfortable so far away from home, in the Holy Train Wreck of Old Jerusalem and in a 50-year-old autocratic gulag on the gulf that will be re-claimed up by the desert when our American Techno Christ performs the miracle of turning tax dollars into wine, it was that offensive gestures are illegal. A four-year-old sitting on his mother’s lap in traffic flipped me off for no apparent reason, and I was told that doing it back to him would be illegal.

When mockery dies, so does everything else. It was a strange feeling, a sudden and extreme oppression that hit like an elevator falling away, an extreme version of something I’ve been feeling more and more at home, the sinking feeling in the unholy and humorless outposts of modern Puritan America. The protected classes of the meek and obtuse. The concern trolls. I think some day they will have guns, maybe not physical ones, and if you look too long at the wrong stupid thing, if you follow the impulse to make fun out of it, to turn it into something we can use instead of something we have to respect, they’ll shoot you.

Here are some of Antoids masterpiece Supercuts from “The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked”. Some of these cuts put the old podcast into an entirely new light for me. If I had known the ongoing and strange obsession Maddox had with twisting my words into new contexts and shaping the show to be so specifically self-serving, I would have been less surprised by the “Rape List” video. But the Uncucked episodes were always the show to me. I only remembered what I said. Anyway, here are the Supercuts:

In case you missed it, here is the court transcript of Kevin Landau embarrassing himself and losing a career-destroying case for Maddox by handing in a half-assed, indecipherable mess of a lawsuit that could not be understood by the judge. Maddox’s lolsuit had no chance of seeing discovery and was inarguably a complete waste of money. Only a sucker would have paid for this.

“Give a Dog a Gavel” by Savestate Corrupted.

Closing remix “Big Swingin’ Problems” by Logan Felber.

Dick Pics!

Dapper thumbnail except for all the fucking sweat by HeHeSillyComics.