Episode 14 – Dick on Drugs

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My man gets a fake marriage and then does too many drugs, I discover the world’s greatest pick-up line, a bike I stole gets stolen, we have several altercations with the angsty powers that be at Burning Man, Camp Furry, casual references to literary classics, the Trumpyx, and cucumbers are the devil’s ding-a-ling; all this and more on an all new Dick Show!

My Man
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
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On too many drugs, he can build a 30-foot clock, he can argue about quantum mechanics, he can ride a bike, but can he co-host a podcast? You are the judge and the jury when my man is back and celebrating his nuptuals in Thompsonesque fashion, screaming about imaginary cats and watching an invisible game of pong on an overclocked Atari 2600.

If you don’t straighten up your life, you’ll end up doing a podcast in a van down by an Orgy Dome. That’s what my high school guidance counsellor used to tell me and apparently he was right because that’s where hot, hot number 14 was recorded. Today’s episode is brought to you by the letters O and G. As in Oh, Gee, how many piercings does that guy across the street have in his dick while I’m trying to talk about Dante’s Inferno?

This episode starts with big news as the trilogy of my man and his romantic entanglements ends with a wedding under a giant broken clock in the middle of the desert. I talk about my man’s unlicensed marriage and apologize for my role in this love story plucked straight out of a country song: the vows written on paper plates, taking a bottle of Jack Daniels across the face for the woman you love, a Midnight Express amount of drugs enough to sustain a 40-hour honeymoon bender–see if you can guess the moment they take hold of him.

I talk about Burning Man–summer camp for the over-privileged and the degenerate and run by a collection of Mad Max wanna be’s with more daddy issues than a strip club on Christmas morning, who call themselves The DPW. Wearing a badge turns half of people into tyrants. The other half didn’t need the badge to begin with because it doesn’t mean anything. They actually have value. We also discover that sexual deviancy is a genetic marker that appears in tandem with engineering genius, or at least that’s what we’re left to believe after visiting the halcyon ghost town of Camp Furry. Apparently the 500 degree fur suits aren’t indicative of insanity, they’re a marker of drive.

A great deal of soul searching and journeying goes on every year at Burning Man. Most of those journeys end with some weirdo in a shitty tent pretending to be your mom and apologizing for not loving you enough while they glue fake jewels to your forehead and grease you down for the up-sale, but one of those journeys end in the world’s greatest pickup line, of which I now pass on to all of you. Use it, get back to me.

We’ll be back next week with a double feature bonus episode starring Denzel, the reigning champion and everyone’s favorite ho-host, and my life coach who I’m trying to get on the board. See you next Tuesday!

Guy on bike