Episode 245 – Dick on Big Beans

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Dealing with night terrors, New Project Brew, “nice to e-meet you”, my penis falls asleep, Mr. Monopoly helps you out, GTA 6’s female protagonist, disinformation, the time I was almost raped, bad legal takes, quotes about quotes, HuffPo Women, a former trans kid calls in, and the Black lady who invented the television; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

New Project Brew is up! Do you like coffee? Does your coffee have big beans? You probably never looked at your coffee and realized how small your beans are. Well, at New Project Brew, that’s what we worry about. We sell only the very biggest beans, some might say the biggest beans in the whole world. Cruelty-infused and genetically modified over thousands of years like everything else we eat, New Project Brew is the only coffee on Earth that doesn’t hate you. The rest of them do. Trust me, they all do, especially Black Rifle Coffee. Get on the mailing list at NewProjectBrew.com today. I’ll probably start shipping in a week or two. But first…

Motherfucking smoke detectors. That’s why I’m up at five in the morning writing this. Maybe a Black person invented a better smoke detector once upon a time, one that doesn’t beep every ninety seconds when it runs out of batteries. One that at least doesn’t do this between the hours of midnight and five in the morning. It clearly has enough juice to beep, so I think there’s enough left in the tank to wake me up during a fire. Or start the warning a couple stops earlier if there’s not.

A Black person invented this device, but it was held down by the white man. Motherfucking white man!

Science is a team sport. It’s a contest of neurodivergent champions who can be entirely defined by their race and gender and place of origin–all of which and whom had a part in their scientific discovery and were definitely not primarily or completely a source of bullying, ostracization, and penis slapping.

If someone who looks like you did something, then you did something. This is the fundamental maxim of a culture based on advertising. You see this guy having a beer, inventing a television, being president; that could be you. If you lived here, on television, you’d already be home by now.

Democracy has destroyed government and culture both, working together, passing raw material back and forth from Wall Street to Main Street, from law to lesson, from soap to box; maximizing spend and efficiency, drowning in messaging, and always, always closing. Healthcare is for closers.

The American culture is one of shameless high-roading and virtue signaling. It has always been. And they use every part of the buffalo. You’re the buffalo.

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A throwback thumbnail by PixelHenkie