Episode 270 – Dick on the Weiner Man

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Chipping my tooth on the dog, The David AKA The Wiener Man, lynching Bella the Hero, Apple vs. your nudes, “unlawful parading”, a whopping dad taxes on miles driven, the police fake a fentanyl overdose, NASA lies, the “guy who ate too much” emoji, Gonzo wears a dress, teenager appropriate porn, and Crippled Jesus plays poker; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Crippled Jesus
Very insensitive.
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
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A new episode of The Biggest Problem in the Universe records this Friday at 6PM PST! Subscribe to the YouTube channel so you don’t miss it. Subscribe to the Patreon to get early access, leave a voicemail for the show, and see you at the livestream on Friday!

But first…

The justice system is hopelessly flawed, openly prejudiced, intentionally confusing, inexorably plutocratic, and slow, and slow, and slow, but the alternative is so much worse. The alternative is a screeching mob of junkies and liars wracked with survivors guilt and a fear of the undecided, consumed and controlled by dopamine addiction, craven, cowardly, and armed with leg crackers to dig their next fix out of the inside of your skull. An Exquisite Corpse of imagination and consensus and repetition. A Prisoner’s Dilemma played on an imaginary scale against an unchanging tidal wave of impulse and consensus. And it is fast, fast, fast. Gotta go fast!

Someone I like would never do something I don’t like. And if they did, I wouldn’t have been a party to it and I would have stopped it. It’s not like you did anything! None of us saw it coming. NONE OF US SAW IT COMING. And besides, an eye for an eye. Enough of a bad thing on one side cancels out a bad thing on the other. That’s just science and if you can’t handle it, you can’t handle the truth because I’m the hero in this story and maybe it’s you. You’re the cause of all this! Get him!

Maybe the lies told about you over time all the time have a cumulative effect, making you suspicious of the lies told about everyone else, as your inner child and everything good in you is whittled down to nothing. Most people take a couple dozen hard cuts, but there’s still something left. There is a Jungian cope for it shared across cultures. Honor, honesty, virtue; a life that is lived in five acts. Platitudes. Forgiveness. Kill me.

Or maybe sometimes it’s just obvious that a Chinese virus isn’t going to wipe out the world or that the polar ice caps are not melting or that terrorism doesn’t matter or that inner city super predators aren’t going to wash out over the suburbs in a wave of crime and sex and drugs. Or that hiding under your desk during an atomic explosion wouldn’t do anything. Someone had to have pointed that out at the time. How did they know that it was obviously bullshit?

Maybe some people are just cynical fucks.

In a post-hope world, without autonomy or hope, when something horrible happens, you find the person you hate the most and blame it on them. This is not a strategy, this is the nature of communicating value and good customer service. In case of uncertainty, break glass. Lying and implying is a major cultural hallmark of the Western world that should be studied, hopefully, by the civilization that wipes us out.

Glowing thumbnail by Mint Salad.