Episode 276 – Dick on Virginfest

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A vegan sports bar sells me fake liquor, Egg White calls in to talk about Virginfest, trying to find a good bull penis, the military launches white supremacist Funko Pops, the Met Art gala needs more of your money, CarNarcs calls in about bothering people to return their shopping carts, believing in unemployment, the Taliban enjoys some paddle boats, the FDA rejects booster shots, and Nicki Minaj takes on journalists; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Cart Narcs
Videos from the courageous agents of the #CartNarcs. Return your shopping cart...or else! YouTube<> Twitter
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
Egg White
The one, the only, Egg White. Musician.Soundcloud | poa.st
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
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A new episode of The Biggest Problem in the Universe is out. Listen to Vito and I argue about Tattle Tales, Late Rape, Finger Pain, and Trans Athletes, and see what you think about Vito’s apology, was it sincere? Or was it the other one? Go vote on the problems at biggestproblem.show and support the show at Patreon.com/BiggestProblem! But first…

A slovenly woman with pink hair approaches you at the gas station or outside of the grocery store or in the bowels of hell. “I need your help!” she says. “I need your help to end hunger and suffering and the two-for-one Tuesday taco special.”

“Why is that?” you say, but you don’t walking or filling up your car with gas or getting raped by a pineapple. You humor her.

“Because–oh thank God/You/Hail Satan–because today only you can stop a horrible atrocity. I’ve been stranded here by my boyfriend and I need to get back to my baby and I need to get formula at the store and I’m starving and children are being turned into luxury furniture in Africa and sold to the highest bidder, millions of them every day are encased in Carbonite and imprisoned forever, fully conscious and this is happening and I have proof and Taco Tuesday is the hope from which Hell derives its eternal torment. Because it’s always Monday in Hell.”

“And what do you need?” you ask. She’s fat. Fatter than hell itself. And you can’t imagine how because she’s been out here sweating and salivating for charity for a handout for some time.

“All I need is three dollars and if I can use your phone and if you can sign on this dotted line and I need your address and your email address and all it will take is the pledging of your eternal soul into this Horcrux so that I may banish the arch demon Balthazar to a nether-realm and reclaim the Hell calendar.”

“No thanks. I’m gluck.”

Good and “good luck”, but you don’t get it out clearly and you don’t even care enough to correct it.

You might catch a glimpse of this retarded and unlucky sack of shit as you drive away sanitize your cart and see how much of your asshole is now an outhole. And you’ll wonder who listens to people like this and what their purpose is and how they eat–so much. But then that same person will call someone’s boss up and get them fired.

How? I don’t know. It’s easier to say “no” in Hell.

The military Funko Pops AKA Captain White and his human shield.

Sebastian of Cart Narcs gets a gun pulled on him.

Virginfest 2021

Raven Rapp’s GoFundMe