Episode 284 – Dick on Sean’s Ding

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Sean’s car gets hit in my driveway, a Coke shortage affects me, Build Back Better (Without Men), an all-fat Hooters, Cart Narcs calls in about Dr. Phil, Tammy has the last laugh as Lowtax goes to Greenland; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

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Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
Host of Gaming Garbage, co-host of Murder the Internet, Creator of Something Awful
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
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A new episode of “The Biggest Problem in the Universe” is up at biggestproblem.show! Join Vito and I as we argue about Family Court, Silencing the User, Woke Unions, and Shitty Slow Motion. Also check out this month’s bonus episode at Patreon.com/BiggestProblem, where we cover Having a Small Penis, Democracy, Non-Connecting Parking Lots, and True Crime Hysterics. Look, that’s a lot of problems! Will we ever run out? I fucking doubt it! But first…

Lowtax is dead, and real life killed him. That’s how we ended up on the Internet in the first place, back in the day. Because we knew such a thing would happen eventually if we didn’t escape it. There’s no other explanation for the compulsive anti-socialism other than one: a need to survive.

Back in the day, the real world was in the final stages of the culture processor; experience compacted into a singularity of advertising. Polarizing identity, politics, and self-actualization. You could buy it for ten easy payments of $9.95, you could sell it to your friends if you signed up now. The commercials were the best thing on television, you wanted a football phone and you couldn’t explain why. Culture was on a parabolic climb, befouled and consumed by morons without pause straining past terminal velocity. You really had to be there. You woke up with no phone at all, mired in anxiety and neon and togetherness. Your insides felt like the fragile plastic they use to make CD cases. You felt it everywhere.

You could escape all this, the dumb and the arrogant and the boorish and the domineering. And the money. You could escape all of it on the Internet, which was hard to get too, and it made people afraid, and they reveled in their stupidity and their ignorance. The sportsballers and the muscle dummies and the motivated, they were too lazy and afraid to use it. You could make a little world that was impossibly difficult to enter and that held absolutely no appeal to those who would attempt to destroy it. You could homestead yourself a weird little cult.

But real life came for that too. The roll over happened some time between the Seinfeld finale and 9/11. Real life jumped the shark and began to exhibit a self-awareness.

The internet is dead now. Ruined by ads and memes and money. And the same people that left the real world 20 years ago are leaving again–but not for farms and homesteading, those people are just selling personalities for ten easy Superchats of $9.95. We’re leaving again, and it’s a shame that Lowtax is not one of us, but he had such horrible taste in women.

Thumbnail of some fat wings by Corgan.