Episode 316 – Dick on Getting Swatted

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I get swatted for killing my wife, Brandon Herrera calls in to talk AKs, the Hunter Biden laptop leaks, Wisconsin declares their votes illegal, and teaching kids about hell; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Brandon Herrera
Gun guy. Developer of the AK-50
Is a Rage!

Not a Rage.
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A new bonus episode is up! It’s probably why I got swatted. Join us as we talk about Fat Police, a poop phone, not-stalking women who flake, fake handicapped parking, small talk COVID, a computer that finds things so women don’t hang that over you, a time traveling hair helmet, OnlyFans Escrow, and Maddox reflects on life. Get it at Patreon.com/TheDickShow

But first…

We need more swattings, not less.

I should be able to call up the police and say that the Federal Reserve is robbing from home owners to pay off commercial banks, and that the Social Security office is stealing from the young to guild the old and ungrateful, and that public schools are raping kids without their parents’ explicit consent, and that Congress is a cesspool of larceny and hypocrisy, and that women are getting fatter by the day. And then they would come in with guns drawn and megaphones that don’t work and start barking orders and figuring things out on the fly and the chips would fall as they may. Mass death and Oopsies. But at least the reports would be real.

I guess if you wanted less swattings and not more excuses to show off your military hardware and strike fear in the hearts of the local slave population, you could always call the number back.

“Hey, did you just call about wanting a suicide by cop?”


“Oh okay. Just checking. We have this new policy where we call the number back to make sure it doesn’t go directly to an obvious relay service that no actual human on Earth has ever used to make a call to anyone. As representatives of the custodians for basic civic infrastructure, we understand its inherent weaknesses and build our response policies around them. We do shit like run the owner of the house through the property tax system to see if they are married or if they do have kids, because why else would we collect that data, right? Or we wait for a second call from a neighbor. It’s the least we can do, which is actually still more than we do if you report an assault or a rape–in which case we do almost nothing. However, if there’s a chance to show off all of our guns and possibly get into a 20 on 1 cop self-defense situation and it’s filmed and bloody, then we’re all in. We just do the bare bones, basic minimum of sanity checks before committing millions of dollars to it. Because of course that comes out of our paycheck if we fuck up. Otherwise, there would be no metric by which to measure our value to the community. We had all kind of time to think about this after they stopped making us chase down drug crimes and alimony dodgers. Can you believe it?”

“Look. I said I wanted suicide by cop, but I didn’t mean being bored to death.”

“Got it. On our way!”

Next time, I’ll put a sign on the door, “Beware. School Shooter Inside.” That should buy me a couple of hours.

Here’s that Russian cartoon we were talking about.

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