Episode 317 – Dick on Homophobic Telescopes

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Nihilism in advertising, a homophobic telescope, swatting fallout, sexist hate starts with men, more fentanyl freakouts, the hand sanitizer cop, the FBI releases an app to prey on children, and how to leave your family; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

What the hell am I talking about with Vito and two-million dollar comics and Tony from Hack the movies and arguing? Checkout the latest episode of The Biggest Problem in the Universe to find out. With an epic Vito m-m-meltdown!

But first…

Look at the universe. It’s everywhere. The largest blobber-knobber to the smallest, tiniest quinzar that makes up the gloobs that you can fit ten thousand a hundred billion of in the tip of your queenus. I hate the Universe.

They have a “Rick and Morty” on every planet. All 60 billion of them in every galaxy in every shit disk in known existence. “Rick and Mortys” with a couple good seasons and then gets ruined by women. They have liquor stores and arguments and retarded superstitions. And the most retarded always win.

Imagine crossing the desert on your hands and knees, crawling for miles for months without anything to drink and your clothes becoming ragged and turning into a white shirt and grey shorts and then you have a beard that’s just a bunch of parallel lines that take great artistry to accomplish. Maybe there’s a sign that points to civilization and another sign that says “Pictures of some fat thot’s asshole” and you’ve made a sudden diversion toward the later in excitement. And then someone shits in your mouth.

That’s the Universe. Just a sprawling mess of procedurally generated colors and retardation, separated by a tangible infinity of space and stupidity. They are inextricably linked. And driven constantly toward self-destruction, and self-masturbatory awe. “Isn’t it beautiful,” it screams back at you. “Look at me! Isn’t it beautiful!? Let me just explain how beautiful this is.” Arm raised in a staccatic chopping motion to punctuate the beauty. “You can’t copy a universe,” it says, “It’s on the blockchain.”

It’s really a horrible place.

horrible place

Thumbnail of these people by lilchokedout.