Episode 36 - Dick on Cables

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A legacy of cables, the stormtroopers of the anti-fascist league, Consuelo’s podcast, a bonus episode from an alternative dimension, opinions from people who’ve never punched anyone, investing tips from a guy whose car is zip tied together, Layc reads the news, in-studio fertility testing, evidence of crying, the post-episode 77 sit down, a DickHead on the scene of a protest meltdown, the world’s most disgusting cafe, name-calling, and Clegg sleeps through his call-in promotion; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Layc Nichole Playmate, Journalist.	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
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Hot off the ProTools, Asterios Kokkinos, Peach Saliva, and I spent two hours of our lives and all of our dignity watching the (Lady) Ghostbusters movie. This movie was shit. It had all the wit of a group of 13-year-old boys awkwardly clowning on one another to impress a girl, and the charm of the exact same situation except if the girl’s brain had been magically body-swapped with one of the boys’ dads. If you recorded a video of the three of us watching this trainwreck and muted the sound, it might look like a two hour reaction GIF to Lemon Party. In fact, I consider watching this “so-called” film such a complete failure that the only reason I’m releasing this commentary track as special additional bonus content to Patreonis of all levels on The Dick Show Patreon, is so that I can write off the loss of Man Points incurred on my Man Taxes when I file them with the MRS–THE MANTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE. I recommend watching (Lady) Ghostbusters with the sound either very low or completely off, and just to be safe, have someone chain you down with silver chains like a werewolf during a full moon, just in case being subject to the full payload of estrogen and failure that is this movie causes you to go on some kind of misogynist rampage, laying out on every bus and subway like a starfish and mansplaining loudly about the infield fly rule and how it pertains to the wage gap. Both the dialog featured in the movie and the delivery of it are unwatchable. I give it zero out of five Mickey’s.

This (Lady) Ghostbusters thumbnail that I want to bang brought to you by Andy Lee. No bullshit, when I Tweeted asking for help with a thumbnail, Alex responded with, “I’m right in the middle of drawing some porn, but I’m game.”

Dick Ridin also returns this week with a vengeance and a sick new thumbnail by Brandon of Maximum! Panic and Megan Pennock. It was a collaborative effort. People have asked me what Dick Ridin is about. Well, I’ll tell you. It’s about $10. Check out The Dick Show Patreon for more info, but first…

Cable-phobia noun – The fear of looking like an asshole or fucking everything up because you don’t have the right cable.

1. Like if a bunch of people are over and they want to watch a BluRay except you only have one HDMI cable plugged into your Firestick so you have to climb behind your entertainment center like Mission Impossible in a clusterfuck tangle of wires and not knock your TV over or the stupid bullshit decorations over and not scuff anything up and you’re getting all sweaty because everyone is making fun of you bent over like a piece of shit just to provide them their goddamn movie even though there were perfectly good movies on demand.

2. Or even worse when this smokin hot chick comes over and gives you the impression that she would go absolutely crazy in her pants and bang your tits off if she could just play that game of Virtual Bart on the old Sega Genesis she saw shoved in the back of your closet–because she always played it after school as a kid and she just wants some of that sweet, sweet nostalgia candy; but lo and behold, when you go to hook everything up from the bag your mom gave you because she’s sick of storing your shit in the house, you’ve got the Sega Genesis power brick, you’ve got the Sega Genesis controllers, but what’s this on the RF connecter? Super Nintendo. No problem though, right? They look exactly the same. It fits in the hole, if you know what I’m talking about–Wrong! It fucks up. Well what about that Turbo Graphix one? Wrong again! And now you’re sitting in front of a giant monument to your own failure like the monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey clutching onto a useless tangle of rubber and wires that might as well be your own dick because that’s what you’re going to be doing tonight anyway.

I have never thrown away a single cable and I never will. Some might call that hoarding, I call it if I ever have to buy a cable that I threw away, I’ll become so insane, that I’ll just start eating cables. They’ll name a new disorder after me: cablephagia. Some day many years from now, an unlucky EMT is going to respond to the call of “a bad and liquor-y sort of smell” emanating from my mountain-side bunker. When they pry open the doors to the DickHaus, they’ll find only a solid mass of cables from floor to ceiling and a series of tunnels through which to weevil like a boll like if Honey I Shrunk the Kids fell behind the entertainment center and then went completely mad.

Cablephobia is the Batteries Not Included of the 21st century and like usual I have a solution, one that you don’t have to wait for a bonus episode to hear.

Here is Numero Perdido animation of Sam Hyde’s “Yellow Knight”, the lost Million Dollar Extreme: World Peace sketch Sam pitched when he called in last month.

Then, Controversy and nit-pickery continues to surround Asterios Kokkinos and his last bombshell of a revelation in which he claims to have seen Maddox cry and proclaim that I was “dead” to him before the recording of the final episode of The Biggest Problem in the Universe. Everyone offers more conjecture, but I have some evidence that might blow this case wide open in the form of a deleted video. Once upon a time, The Talented Mr. Randy made a fitting tribute to a show that meant a lot to many people. That video tribute was promptly forced off of the internet by a crying (allegedly) lunatic who forgot one thing: nothing stays deleted on the Internet. Here is that video tribute to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, resurrected by me for you and uploaded to a copyright safe account since I am the owner of said copyright. See if you spot any tell-tale scenes of crying during the taping of 108.